Day 9. Delusion or Manifestation?

I have a tendency to look at slim, strong women and believe that I look like that. I don’t. Let me be clear. So am I delusional or positively focused?

I also, sometimes, look in the mirror and see somebody far bigger and move into the other extreme of believing that I am more overweight than is probably true. So what’s the truth?

Believing is Seeing

Mirrors are fickle. They can’t reflect the truth because we don’t look with our eyes, but with our feelings and with our beliefs about ourselves. If I’ve just come out of a Pilates class, the mirror tells me that I am capable of becoming the vision I want for myself. I see someone who is ‘not bad’, or ‘getting there’. This is because my emotions are in a good place and I feel capable of achieving my goals. I am seeing myself as my future positive possibility.

If I am trying new clothes on in a store, the mirror reflects my deepest self-critical beliefs. This is because I hate clothes shopping, I am not good at choosing clothes for myself, and I don't trust my choices. There are reasons for this which I don't need to go into now. Suffice to say that as a teenager this would trigger a panic attack in me, so these latent memories mean that my emotions are not in a good place, and I see someone who is bulging, big, bloated… bad. I do not feel capable of anything, let alone of achieving a body-positive goal.

Now I am seeing and creating myself as my future negative possibility.

I’ve also noticed that when trying on new clothes, my thoughts say “I am too big” , not that the clothes are “too small”. I am quick to blame myself and not simply swap the size. It’s these kinds of thoughts – these unkind kind of thoughts -  that I need to continue to catch hold of and change. They are self-denigrating and they do not help me create a better, slimmer, healthier me.

So these two opposing viewpoints both exist in my psyche simultaneously and at are at war with each other. Either I am capable or I am incapable, so I need to collapse the negative one, and perhaps temper the positive one to be a little more realistic. How will I do this?  

Firstly, I will keep my thoughts on the "I am capable" side of things, and recognise that this thought without an accompanying healthy action (be that with food or fitness) is worthless. Action must proceed thoughts to effect change. Without action, it is indeed delusional!

Secondly I will dig deeper into this body-image issue that relates to me as a child, to see how I can collapse this false belief… whatever it turns out to be.

This I can explore through hypnotherapy.